Happy New Year you guys, I hope you all had a great 2017 and I welcome you back here on the very first day of 2018 with a personal post which was long overdue, I guess what's better way to start the new year with a brief life update.
I know I have been MIA and I also know that I have probably said the same thing multiple times over the past few months in every article I have posted on my blog, but today as we're all starting afresh, I am going to talk about it all and share with you where I have been, why I haven't been posting much and a general update about me and my life right now. I hope you guys missed me just like I missed you, I want to begin by thanking all those who stick around even when I had nothing to offer, I want to thank you for all the messages, comments, emails and a big Thank you for showing so much love and concern. It means the world to me.
I started writing this article few weeks ago, but just couldn't hit the publish button, was so nervous as I have poured my heart into it and I feel you all deserve to know the reason (or reasons) for me being MIA over and over again. So, get yourself a cup of coffee or hot chocolate whatever you like and get ready to be a part of my journey.
The year 2017 has been the worst year of my life, I know every year we all have our share of ups and lows but this past year in particular was all about lows, failures, lessons, tears, unfulfilled promises, heartbreaks, goodbyes and losses. I won't say I am in a much better place right now as my feelings have been fluctuating and have been all over the place again and again. Hence, I decided that if not now, I won't be able to take it out of my heart ever and it will be carried forward to this new year which I absolutely don't want. For the first time in years I finally feel I am ready to let go of the past and embrace the future and what's in store for me there. I guess it's important to trust the divine timing, what's meant to be will happen right when it's suppose to be, you can't keep forcing yourself to get something done, or be somewhere if the universe doesn't want you to. All throughout this year I was trying so hard to fit in, but the truth which I finally realised that I wasn't born to be like others, I am EXCLUSIVE and that's a blessing. I do not feel any shame or embarrassment in sharing my story here on a public platform, I am telling you this so that you don’t feel alone if you have ever been in a similar situation. Don't loose hope and more importantly don't loose yourself.
2017 has been all about self learning, who and what matters, who doesn't, what's worth my time and energy, most importantly my importance in others life and all of that. I have been in and out of a rut all this year, and trust me it took a toll on me, I became silent, I would just lock myself in my studio, don't go home for days, don't speak to anyone, I just lost motivation to do anything, like anything at all, I wasn't working, I would plan shoots at night, set an alarm but just hit the snooze button and get back to my couch and pretend to sleep although I stay wide awake, I just had no energy, I felt tired all the time, like really tired. Some days I would eat so much that my stomach hurts and other days I don't eat at all, some days I would want to be all happy and chirpy, and meet people, and party but the moment I am back home I get back to my miserable self. There were moments when I would feel numb even if I hear the most tragic news, and other times I just curl up on the floor or in a corner of the room and cry for hours for no reason. I would think about something that happened 5 years ago and smile and cry in an instant, my mood swings were severe and my everybody could see it The first major mood swing attack happened when I was in Goa during the month of March I was having a great time with my girlfriends and we were all talking and I don't know what happened to me all of a sudden as a friend said something and i snapped, walked away and cried for about an hour' You all must be wondering what has happened to me, why I felt that way. The truth is I don't know the exact reason either, I am a really strong person otherwise, I have always been as I have seen the worst of times in my life, I have experienced heartbreaks, have handled goodbyes, professional and personal losses, have gone through every struggle of life a girl in her twenties could ever imagine, but this year I just couldn't, in 2017 everything just happened in series, since the very beginning, it was like a road full of potholes, you fell into one, manage to get out, a little injured, bit hurt and then you fall again in the next one. That's what happened with me all this year. 2017 didn't started on a great note nor it ended. Friends who meant the world to me pushed me out of their lives like I didn't existed at all, like all of a sudden they started to loose interest in my life, wouldn't involve me in plans, lie to me, hide conversations, all of that made me so bitter and negative, I guess expectations does that to us, I am one of those people who believe in NO CONDITIONS APPLY in friendship, If I call you my best friend I'll treat you like one, in public and in person, I won't ever let you have second thoughts about it. Honestly it started in mid of 2016, i lost some close friends back then, and I lost few more this year but it was different this time as those friends weren't just friends to me, they were more, after so many trials and tests we managed to stay together, and finally when I felt sure about us being in each others lives FOREVER, destiny has it's own plan. I guess everything comes as a limited period offer now-a-days.
Have you ever been in your group of close friends, and felt extra or unwanted, like if you weren't there it wouldn't have mattered? Yes, I have felt that and trust me it's the worst feeling ever.
It wasn't the case always though, I was once loved, pampered, cared for but gradually over past two years things changed, people and their priorities changed and the results of this change was so negative on me. I started to hate myself for being too sensitive, to take everything to my heart, to sense the change in behaviour, the way they talk to me, or even frequency of replies during a text conversation, I notice and observe every little detail. Comparison kicked in and it stayed. Even though I have a public profile and I get over thousands of likes on my pictures, I look for my people's name in the list, it hurts me especially when they're active on social media and I never get a like or comment from them. Call me a kid! I don't care, if these little things makes me happy and it matters to me and they know about it, I expect them to do it. Because I do it for them.
With time, I got use to it, and it made me feel lonely, I started to isolate myself, not talk to anyone, don't initiate any conversation and just be in my own world. I have always been independent, it's not that I needed someone to go shopping with, or someone to get my work done. I guess I have been emotionally dependent on people I am attached to. I'm someone who's an open book yet an introvert, if you won't ask, I won't tell. I understand everybody is busy, everybody have responsibilities, I understand all of it, trust me I do. But I won't deny that it didn't hurt me. It did. We all need someone in our lives, someone to talk to, someone to share our feelings with, someone to be open with, be vulnerable with. We're humans, we are not meant to be alone.
I met so many people this year, some old acquaintances who became good friends, who listened to me when I needed someone to talk to, and I am glad they let me pour my heart out without judging me, I am thankful that they listened to my stories but deep down I knew they'd leave too and that's what happened and I couldn't do anything to stop it, like this is how it was suppose to be. People suggested me to date, I tried that as well, Yeah I did. One of my girlfriend set me up with a guy based abroad we started talking on and off for few weeks and I wasn't really interested in him initially however he convinced me to give it a try and after talking to him, opening up to him I figured he's genuinely a nice guy and we both thought maybe we could work but nothing worked, I didn't felt the connection and he couldn't wait for me to feel for him so we called it quit in around 3 weeks. Instead of feeling motivated it had an opposite effect on me, I started facing troubles opening up to new people, trust them, be my real self and I hated this. I've always been a girl who can gel with anyone, who's easy to talk to, completely opposite to what I look like in my pictures. The memories of what I had in the past haunted me and I guess it haunts me every single minute of the day, I felt I wasn't good enough, people wouldn't stay, even if I gave them all that I had I wouldn't be able to make them stay, they'd always choose someone over me, they'll just leave, and in the end I will be right where I started and slowly I lost interest, interest in talking to new people, interest in pleasing anyone, interest in even noticing if someone was putting efforts to be a part of my life. I just lost it. I lost myself.
There were few close friends who wanted to be with me but couldn't, due to reasons better known to themselves. They'd call me or meet me and we have a good time together but in the end what they say 'Hey! Don't tell anyone that we met okay? Don't do the check in!' and I am there like '???'
I don't do secrets that's just not me, I am a very sensible person I believe, I know what to post and what not to, so when these people who say they care for me and behaves this way it makes me mad. I like to share my life with people, with you guys. hiding something for a while is okay but keeping it a secret forever, no that's not me, if I am not doing anything wrong I wouldn't mind telling about it to the world, so If you want to be a part of my life with terms and conditions, then please stay away. You're not Welcome.
Earlier this year I made a list of FIRST FIVE - people I can count on, places to visit, things to do and stuff like that, so these friends were in the list on number 3 and 4 respectively, they used to be on top previous year but things changed and the rank lowered, number 5 have been fluctuating depending on situations. So you could imagine what I went through when out of only 5 people I truly trust and count on 2 leave and 1 is uncertain and 2 are from my immediate family. I felt completely heartbroken, I use to question myself all the time WHY? Why am I not their priority?Why do they have to go? Even though they still say they're here with me but I just don't feel it anymore, I don't get the vibes anymore. Honestly, I am prepared if the last 2 people leave too, they won't leave my life I know as one of them is bonded by blood with me and the other one is bonded by commitment but still I will understand if they plan to leave any day in the future.
The biggest lesson I learnt in 2017 is to be your own hero, to save yourself and fight your fears. It's safe to say now that I am fearless. haha
Someone I met last year became a really close friend, I would hang out with her, we use to work and do parties together, share our personal life stories with each other, according to her words she was more dependent on me than I was, it made me feel so good in a long time, that finally I have someone in my life for whom I am important but as always all of a sudden she became busy, like really-really busy, weeks gone, no call, months gone no meetings, every time I ask her hey where have you been, haven't heard from you and the answer was as simple as I WAS BUSY! When I call and no one picks up, neither I get a call back, after reminder text I get a reply Hey! I completely forget to call you back, I was occupied.
It's fine, I understand that people get busy with work, family, personal commitments or whatever, but there's something called communication, you can't just enter someone's life, be a part of it and then leave without even telling, I don't know how people cope up with that. For me it's really painful, I get attached to people very quickly, I feel their pain, their sufferings, their problems, they became a part of me not just my life so when they leave especially without any notification it breaks me, it's like every time someone leaves my life they take a little piece of my heart with them and this year I've lost a lot of little pieces, sometimes I thank God for giving me a big heart. (not kidding)
It's true that some people free their time to talk to you and some talk to you in their free time.
Because of it, I began to question myself as if there's something wrong with me, why is everyone leaving? I felt more miserable, started to hate myself for being sensitive, it made me weak, I felt depressed and was always self doubting myself, I started to gain a lot of weight and that made me loose my confidence, I lost interest in looking after myself, clean my room, cook meals or do little everyday chores but then I realised that being sensitive is a bliss, it's not a curse, not everyone in this world have the ability to understand others, to feel their pain, to empathise, to look beyond the fake smile. It's truly the essence of who I am. This is what makes me EXCLUSIVE, It's okay if I feel too much, it's okay! Honestly it's Fabulous!
The year 2017 was the year of me saying to everyone 'Hey, I am happy for you' and feeling just the opposite for myself. and trust me, there's nothing wrong in it. we're all allowed to feel like that, I can tell you with my personal experience, you can show to the world that you're fine, nothing effects you but you know you're not and eventually it will start to show and you won't be able to handle it then because you've been hiding your real emotions for too long, so be open about how you feel, heal yourself first if you want to feel happy again.
The last quarter of the year was the worst of all, even though I was prepared for something to happen, when it actually happened it broke me completely, I pushed all my limits to deal with it but i just hit bottom so bad that it breaks me till now when I think about it and during this particular period I needed support of my old friends, who I thought know me inside out, who have been through the journey with me. The pain was so strong and deep that I could physically feel it, it was like I lost myself, lost the last hope, a little ray of light, my heart just wasn't ready to accept, and I did not even realise that I had that in me, those feelings, those emotions that poured out like rain at that time, I wasn't even aware they were there inside me resting and waiting to explode. I did something I never imagined I was capable of, I am proud of myself for doing it unconditionally although It made my situation even worse, I made some really unreasonable demands, I am not demanding at all otherwise, and I was counting on very few people and some of them let me down, but I am extremely grateful to my family for standing right there by my side and fulfilling it for the sake of my happiness. I can never forget what they did for me. I know people have the right to choose whatever they want to do in life, but sometimes you've to let your ego down and do things for others. That's what shows you truly care for someone you claim to love. While I was grieving the loss, everybody asked me to shut it down, move on and start afresh, people asked me why am I behaving like a child? Some might have even thought that I am doing it all for attention and then this happened, few days ago I broke my silence on social media, no I don't regret it.
12 long months, 365 days, I have had good days, bad days, worst days and even days where I just wanted to disappear but I am glad I made it through. So much has happened this year, bit by a dog, got hospitalised twice during Diwali, fell so sick that I thought I was going to die (but I didn't haha) people took advantage of me for their own benefit personally and professionally, some even humiliated me in public, although I faced all the situations with bravery and gave each one of them a tight slap of sarcasm on their face but it did broke me more, like each time it happened it put a scar on my soul, I would never forget this year. I met some assholes during the journey and some angels who made me believe in humanity more, some people I hope I never meet again and some I wish to see more often, all in all this year was a LESSON and It's marked in the history of my life. However, I am ready to welcome 2018 with open arms, people I talked about in this post, some of them would still be a part of my life in years to come but not a part of my heart anymore, the doors are now shut for good. I wish them a beautiful future wherever they will be tomorrow, I hope that I find peace too. It's a one sided story, I have written what I have felt, their story might be different, their reasons might be valid but now It's too late for any explanation or justification.
Time to bid goodbye to the ugly 2017 and say hello to the beautiful 2018, may this year be full of love, luck and hope for all of us.
There's actually a thing I am proud I did this year, a decision to be more fit and take care of my body, I workout a minimum 5 days a week now, eat healthy (few cheat meals allowed I hope my trainer isn't reading this), I can't wait to show you all my new body. Wink Wink.I am looking forward to do more of what I loved doing, blog more, create more content for you guys, travel the world or at least my country, get fit, hopefully find the one who's made for me. This is going to be a NEW YEAR and certainly a new life for me and it would mean so much if you guys continue to be with me in this journey called life.
I have posted a flashback to 2017 featuring some of my favourite photos and moments of the year in the previous post, check that here if you like.
Thank you so much for reading.
if you have any questions, leave them in the comments below.